A Time of Mourning

Last weekend, the worst thing happened to me. I heard the news that Julia, my best friend for five years, is moving away to Kansas City. The year that I had been looking forward to, my senior year, is completely dashed. I feel like I’m going to be spending it completely alone and without a friend. I know I’m being dramatic, but for a few years before I befriended Julia, I was completely alone and had no friends. I don’t want that to happen to me again because that is the one thing I fear. I fear being alone and I fear having no friends in a room full of people. So yesterday, I attended Jazz Spotlight with a heavy heart and red eyes. I almost cried 20 times while trying to play my music. This is the first time I’ve had my heart broken…and my own best friend has done this to me. Deep down though, I realize that this is supposed to happen, this is what God wants. He wants me to figure things out next year for myself and see where it leads me. The Whites will always be in my heart, and I will always think of them, but next year will be about me. And I think I can change myself into the person I want to be without the weight of someone similar to me dragging me down. I want to become confident, tough, yet still sweet. I don’t want people to walk all over me and try to bring me down anymore. Next year, I will TRULY find myself. Because really, when I think of me, I think of Julia by my side…and I realize that I am my OWN person, and that maybe people were intimidated by the pair of us…we were that close, I suppose. This won’t take effect until she leaves and I have gotten over it. Meanwhile, today, I will be mourning a future loss and devouring a carton of cookie dough ice cream because it WILL hurt. I will always hurt, but when I become stronger, and meet Julia again, we will be even BETTER friends. And then, maybe, we will truly be friends forever.

The "Old Me"

3/19

Yesterday, I had one of my depression fits. It came and went like waves, as usual. By the end of the day, I felt rotten inside. I can’t understand this inexplicable sadness and it kills me to still be acting like this. I should be okay! I have everything that I didn’t have when I was in 7th grade, after all. I have friends, I believe that I am pretty, and I feel loved. Then what is wrong? I can’t comprehend what I feel anymore! Should I see the therapist again? Should I talk to my friends? Even when I think of these things, I feel lost. When I try to talk about these things to my friends something blocks up my throat. I can’t get a croak out about my emotional problems.
I think the “old me” is returning because my best friend in the whole wide world might be moving away and my best guy friend is graduating. Next year I’m going to be alone, and it freaks the hell out of me. I can’t be alone! If I’m alone, these things, these emotions will get the best of me again, and I’ll be laying in the dark, holding my breath until the only focus is my heart pounding slower and slower in my ears….until the pounding scares the fuck out of me and I have to breathe again. Breathe, Kara, breathe, I tell myself. Breathe and you will live. Sometimes breathing is the only thing I can control.

Wisdoms

Life is about rocking what you are. If you can't rock it, toss it. Just be yourself and maybe, someday you will achieve what YOU think is cool. ;) ♥


Insane people spice up life. the "normal" people make life dreary and the same every day.so in my opinion its great to be INSANE!!! :D


have any other wisdoms?

let me know!

lalalala

I SAW A CUPCAKE WEARING 3D GLASSES!

What's New?

I am home from school sick today. I wish that I wasn't sick, but at least I turned ill on a spring break week. Now I don't have to miss college.

I've been watching TV ALL day and my brain feels mushy. My stomach is not being very nice to me either. D:

When I get better, I'm thinking of starting a vlog, so you all can see myself in glorious action. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but can I take down YouTube? I think so.

If you have any tips for vlogging such as lighting and topics of discussion in front of the camera, feel free to comment.

~Hika

P.S. I'm up for a drawing to receive a 100,000 dollar scholarship ANYWHERE. I hope I get it. T^T

XIII

You can all guess what this is about. FINAL FANTASY XIII!!!!!!!! I WANT IT!!! -screams like a banshee and thrashes around, barely missing my XBOX 360- oops, almost hit Baby. -cuddles the 360 and glares at all the happy gamers holding copies of the coveted RPG-

I WANT ITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!


All craziness aside, I have a boyfriend again. Yay! I am not lonely!!! ^^

I'm also debating going on the Pill......maybe when my boyfriend gets back we can go get it together?

I have no idea ^^;

Today was craziness. I texted my boyfriend ALL DAY. This one hypocrite told me to put the phone away when class was over and I was just texting in the band room minding my business. It wasn't like we were doing anything anymore. I used to be part of his group and everything, but now I realize how judgemental and hypocritical they all are. So I am going to have a smaller friend group from now on. I am sick of the drama, pain, and hurt feelings from being left out. So I TURN MY BACKS ON YOU, YOU LOUSY HYPOCRITES!!!!! I HOPE YOU DIE.....er....HAVE A LOUSY LIFE WITHOUT ME!!! WHO NEEDS YOU!!!!

Er...I am a a bit insane today.

Lots of Love!!!!


~Hika


P.S.

If you have a spare copy of XIII, hand it to me, plx?

Losing Streak

Lately I've been losing at everything! And if you know me you know I HATE to lose. Andddd I just lost at Scrabble. D:

Losing pisses me off so much!!!!!!! >_______< Is it bad to be a sore loser?

It probably is.

I also get INTENSELY jealous over a lot of things. Like I hate it when girls talk about how hot a guy I like is. I also hate people spreading rumors about me.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW IT ALL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!



~Hika