Monday, April 12, 2010
A Time of Mourning
Last weekend, the worst thing happened to me. I heard the news that Julia, my best friend for five years, is moving away to Kansas City. The year that I had been looking forward to, my senior year, is completely dashed. I feel like I’m going to be spending it completely alone and without a friend. I know I’m being dramatic, but for a few years before I befriended Julia, I was completely alone and had no friends. I don’t want that to happen to me again because that is the one thing I fear. I fear being alone and I fear having no friends in a room full of people. So yesterday, I attended Jazz Spotlight with a heavy heart and red eyes. I almost cried 20 times while trying to play my music. This is the first time I’ve had my heart broken…and my own best friend has done this to me. Deep down though, I realize that this is supposed to happen, this is what God wants. He wants me to figure things out next year for myself and see where it leads me. The Whites will always be in my heart, and I will always think of them, but next year will be about me. And I think I can change myself into the person I want to be without the weight of someone similar to me dragging me down. I want to become confident, tough, yet still sweet. I don’t want people to walk all over me and try to bring me down anymore. Next year, I will TRULY find myself. Because really, when I think of me, I think of Julia by my side…and I realize that I am my OWN person, and that maybe people were intimidated by the pair of us…we were that close, I suppose. This won’t take effect until she leaves and I have gotten over it. Meanwhile, today, I will be mourning a future loss and devouring a carton of cookie dough ice cream because it WILL hurt. I will always hurt, but when I become stronger, and meet Julia again, we will be even BETTER friends. And then, maybe, we will truly be friends forever.