Yesterday, I had one of my depression fits. It came and went like waves, as usual. By the end of the day, I felt rotten inside. I can’t understand this inexplicable sadness and it kills me to still be acting like this. I should be okay! I have everything that I didn’t have when I was in 7th grade, after all. I have friends, I believe that I am pretty, and I feel loved. Then what is wrong? I can’t comprehend what I feel anymore! Should I see the therapist again? Should I talk to my friends? Even when I think of these things, I feel lost. When I try to talk about these things to my friends something blocks up my throat. I can’t get a croak out about my emotional problems.
I think the “old me” is returning because my best friend in the whole wide world might be moving away and my best guy friend is graduating. Next year I’m going to be alone, and it freaks the hell out of me. I can’t be alone! If I’m alone, these things, these emotions will get the best of me again, and I’ll be laying in the dark, holding my breath until the only focus is my heart pounding slower and slower in my ears….until the pounding scares the fuck out of me and I have to breathe again. Breathe, Kara, breathe, I tell myself. Breathe and you will live. Sometimes breathing is the only thing I can control.